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KWENU: Our Culture, Our Future |
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How I Joined the Nigerian 'Chopping' Class: A Rejoinder
Ugochukwu
Ejinkeonye
Dear
Ugochukwu,
I thoroughly enjoyed myself reading the piece you published
last week, captioned, “How
I Became A Prominent Lady,”
written by one of the
greatest and most patriotic
daughters of our great nation, a highly placed and
well-respected lady who, incidentally, is a very close associate, my very good
friend and fellow distinguished member of the nation’s political and ruling
elite. Even though you withheld her name (that was very thoughtful of you), I
know her very well, and I can confidently tell you that she is a thoroughly
groomed and well polished lady, totally above board, whose every action is
motivated by an unfathomable sacrificial love for her country.
I
am thoroughly overwhelmed by her disarming humility which made her to stoop so
low to tell Nigerians without blushing the various ‘sacrifices’ and ‘prices’ she
had to pay on her way to join us in the Ruling Class from where she believes she
would be able to serve her fatherland very well.
And on this, I can testify that she has acquitted
herself very well.
An
example of her lack of vanity could be seen in the fact that despite our endless
prodding and even harassment, she has bluntly refused purchase more than one
house in
As we talk
now, the leaders of our great party in her geo-political zone have pencilled her
down as the next deputy governor of her state, a move we at the national level
have readily endorsed because of her profound integrity, moral soundness and our
great trust in her ability to deliver with unrivalled speed. I was present
recently when she launched her NGO to promote moral uprightness, honesty and
hard work in youths. She is equally a very regular face at youth forums and
ethical revival conferences where she draws from her wealth of experience and
exceptional personal example to admonish her hearers on the dangers of cheating,
waywardness and corner-cutting. She is indeed a role model, and it is good that
many people, especially the young people now look up to her for direction and
mentoring.
Please, permit me to follow her excellent example and also
share my own success story before another lady beats me to it again, because, we
have among
us many other successful ladies, whose ‘prices’ and
‘sacrifices’
on their way to the top would even greatly diminish my
friend’s own. While at the University, which, by the way, I had entered with
results obtained through very fraudulent means, academic work held no attraction
for me.
I wanted to
make money fast and live big. As I saw on television and newspapers these mostly
thirty-something olds and early or mid-forty emergency billionaires who I was so
certain I was more intelligent and more hardworking than, brazenly seizing the
limelight, flaunting their opulence and throwing their weight about in a way
that seemed to ask the poor to simply get lost, murderous thoughts welled up in
me against anyone trying to disturb me with foolish questions about why I
skipped classes or shunned my books.
Soon, I had
to leave campus in search of something meaningful to do with my life before
others left me behind in the lonely pit of grinding poverty. Fortunately, one
day, a friend told me at the joint where we usually congregated to smoke weeds
that an aide to a top and very powerful political figure was hiring ‘strongmen’
in preparation for the forthcoming elections.
I
immediately jumped at the offer. That singular move was to usher me into an
exciting, easy life of limitless opportunities and cheap pleasures that I never
imagined could just suddenly come my way. My ‘oga’
later came to know me more closely and to appreciate my special abilities and
talents. I had a perfect understanding of my job, and never failed to deliver. I
tried hard to suppress the fire of greed raging in me, and accounted for every
kobo given to me. Although I was such a ruthless person, I was not foolish and
so knew quite well that if I must attain my targeted height in politics, I must
school myself to keep my greed in serious check.
Fortunately, I always delivered on all fronts with
efficiency and precision, and equally acquitted myself well when in the business
of ‘arranging’
very beautiful girls from the neighbouring
Universities each time my ‘oga’
hosted dignitaries for top political meetings. Oh, there were always so much to
eat, drink and enjoy, but I never forgot myself and what I was aiming at. My
eyes were on the top, and any price was worth paying to get there.
My stars began to shine brilliantly when my
‘oga’ lifted me from
the scummy pond of violent and murderous existence where I had wreaked
tremendous terror as one of his most effective and ruthless thugs and promoted
me to his personal aide, which enabled me to follow him to very important
political meetings, where I met many other very highly placed Nigerians, many of
whom also began to like me as time went on. Although, I could be such a ruthless
and implacably destructive beast when any occasion required my exhibition of
that aspect of me, I have this very warm, amiable and overly harmless
personality that easily earns me the unreserved affection of many people.
Soon my ‘oga’
began to test me with money, several times, but each time, I surprised him by
not falling. Unlike my colleagues who always allowed their greed to make them
lose his confidence, I already knew I needed to keep mine on leash in order to
win the undying trust of one those who decided the direction, future and how the
resources of this incredibly rich nation were shared. Already, I had arranged a
degree certificate for myself and managed to let it enter ‘oga’s
ears that I was a graduate.
Before long, he began to trust me with bigger money, some
of which I took abroad to deposit for him in designated accounts. I always
resisted every temptation to run away or tamper with even the smallest part of
them. My
oga wanted to appoint me into the
ministerial position allotted to him, but later changed his mind, and instead
registered a company and appointed me its Managing Director/Chief Executive. And
soon countless juicy contracts I never even knew when and how they were applied
for began to pour in, and although we rarely executed any, we were usually paid
in full upfront.
And because I
had learnt early to keep my greed in check, I shared out the percentages as
instructed, and paid them in the various bank accounts I was given, before
taking the percentage allotted to me. And because we were so reliable and
efficient, and did our business without any risks to our clients’ good names and
political lives, business boomed amazingly. I became very rich as the company
prospered. Soon, I began to hobnob with the high mighty from the president to
governors, lawmakers, ministers, diplomats and fellow business magnates.
Billions of naira were always easily laundered through us
without any hassles or incidents that could embarrass our esteemed clients, and
we were always prompt to neatly deposit such funds into any accounts supplied by
our clients in any part of the world. I have eventually achieved my ambition of
joining the ruling class, and boy, life up there is
just pleasantly exciting and really good!
Although, I am not holding any public office, I am,
no doubt, part of the decision-making process since I am a generous financier
and prominent member of our great party.
The
secret of my success, if I must restate that, was my commendable ability to
continue resisting the temptation to tamper with my ‘oga’s
money even when a lot of it was always with me and around me. Indeed, I was
quite aware that he never bothered to even find out how much each ‘Ghana-Must-Go’
sack contained, or how much had been removed from a particular bag and how much
remained, but I kept my cool. Well, if I must tell you also, highly influential
and respected political stalwarts like my
oga have no time to
count money. Moreover, its uninterrupted flow into their houses, offices and
bank accounts was always guaranteed, so why bother?
Although,
I wanted so much to be rich, I also desperately wanted to also secure the
distinguished membership of the ruling elite, where I can help decide the
direction and future of this country. And if I must achieve this, I knew it
quite early enough that I required much patience, restraint and loyalty to one
of the key custodians and sharers of the very sweet, richly garnished National
Cake.
I was relieved when my ‘oga’
eventually shelved the idea of having me fill the ministerial slot allocated to
him and instead established the flourishing company which I now manage for him.
Although with such a highly influential personality of repute like my
‘oga’ behind me, all
the Senate would have simply done if I had appeared for screening would be to
simply ask me
‘Take A Bow!’ and move on,
but I did not want the overwhelming searchlight such an event would most likely
beam on my past. Moreover, I don’t trust you, journalists, Ugochukwu. One of you
might come up with the crazy idea that I was a University dropout and so could
not have earned the degree I was parading, or that I had unresolved cases with
the police. So, I was glad to be spared that kind of exposure.
Well, all I can say now is that I am doing incredibly very
well. Although I have become very rich beyond my wildest imagination, with
properties in countless choice spots in Nigeria and abroad and shares in blue
chip companies around the world, I still have refused to do anything to make my
‘oga’
feel I have grown some wings and was now capable of being my own master. I have
been very careful. His numerous women (mostly married), especially among the top
echelon of our great party devour me daily with undisguised lustful attention,
but I have refrained from letting them come between me and my very kind
godfather. No, how can I be that stupid when countless women, including top
actresses and models are throwing themselves at me?
Former
Senator Iyabo Anisulowo was right after all!
Well, right now, I can confidently tell you that I am now
and fully and perfectly established as a distinguished member of the ruling
class and a stalwart of our great party. I sponsor candidates into high public
offices and have continued to reap, in season and out of season, the juicy
fruits of my endeavour. I have also taken practical steps to polish my
personality and give myself an urbane, intellectual image. Recently, I got a
backstreet (some say unaccredited) college in the
Do not be misled into thinking we are indifferent to
corruption. In fact, my ‘oga’
was one of those who first mooted the idea of setting up very vibrant
anti-corruption bodies in
Ugochukwu, I
am always amused each time you describe us in your column as a ‘Criminal Class.’
Apart from the fact this betrays your total ignorance of how government business
is managed at this level in this country, I also think you are being very unfair
to a body of distinguished, credible Nigerians with very impeccable records of
invaluable services to their fatherland who spend sleepless nights thinking of
how to move this great country forward and usher in an era of prosperity and
massive development.
Well, next week, I will be presenting a paper (written for
me by a retired professor who is on my payroll) at a high profile seminar in
Thanks for
this opportunity to tell my success story despite your obvious unreserved
disdain and fierce contempt for us.
We will
eventually prove to you and several others that we mean well for this country.
Chief (Dr.)
…… (Name Withheld)
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29 December 2010
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